I wonder

I wonder what I will see when I peel away the titles behind my name. (MBBS, GDCS, MEd)

I wonder who I will encounter when I shed the titles from my shoulders. (PCT, LTK, FMC, YM)

Will I like what I see?

Will I recognise him?

Perhaps it's time to find out.

To Be Or Not To Be With

I heard an interesting sermon today - it was what an impactful homily ought to be - simple yet profound.

I had always agreed that we ought not be caught up with the DOING. After all, we are human BEINGS, and surely what we ought to focus on must be the BEING.

I was proven wrong this evening and as I sit typing this, I am beginning indeed to see how self-centred the first two propositions must be. One is concerned with the action by self, the other is concerned with the condition of self.

Surely what we must be concerned primarily ought to be "BEING WITH". Relationship. With whom?

I am reminded of the garden story - where God asked, "Adam, where are you?" And I am reminded of another story from the tree - where Christ said, "Today, you will BE WITH me in paradise."

Being with.

I think it's perhaps a good time to step back and step out in order to BE WITH.

End of a season, beginning of another ...

It wasn't easy to click that "send" button today. After all, I've been in this familiar place since 2002, and I've grown to love the people here. I visited the LW and OT Recept on 26th Dec, and felt the immediate warmth from the staff there - old friends.

I'll miss them. I'll miss the irritating lift music. I'll miss the "ah-mah" who calls me "ah-di" most times and "doctor" only when she needs a prescription - she still remembers me when we meet at the corridoors even though I had officially left the division 4 years ago. I'll miss the bak-chor mee and the uncle who sells it - I have stopped vocalising my orders a long time ago - he sees me coming and he prepares the food automatically. I'll miss my boss - probably as quirky as I am, but one whom i respect immensely for his ideals.

And so i finally clicked the button at 5.30 pm. Symbolically it marked an end of a long season of my training in my life, yet somehow deep inside, I feel our paths will cross again, sometime, somehow.

Tomorrow I sign on the dotted line. Symbolically it will mark the start of a new season - probably another period of training - how long this time i cannot tell. I just pray for added grace, and faith.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

A random adaptation of an anonymous poem

I thought,"To be the voice of God,
I'd climb the topmost steeple."
But God remarked,
"Get down from there,
The ground is where there're people."

- Kenny Tan (10 Dec 2008)

A Gentle Reminder - Just so I remember.

I tried to hear the voice of God
And climbed the topmost steeple
And God replied, "Go down again"
"I dwell among the people."

- anonymous

A reflection of an MEd journey

The last 18 months has been an interesting journey, a foray into a sphere which I had no prior knowledge or experience of. Being trained in the sciences and research, it became increasingly difficult, yet at the same time enlightening, to delve into the qualitative world of educational, social and leadership studies. I was more comfortable with absolute numbers (faceless and clinical), rather than a myriad of words (from flesh and blood individuals) which I had to interpret and make sense of.

Such was the pain that I had to endure. The discomfort grew even more when I finally realized and resigned to the fact that my final project had to have components of qualitative research. How was I to make sense of it all? The pain grew even more intense when to my horror, I found I had to transcribe open-ended answers into an excel sheet for analysis. The excel sheet exceeded the usual A3-paper dimensions that I was familiar with … I had to constantly distinguish between the gastric pain of skipped meals or the gastric pain induced by the stress of ‘translating’ responses into coherent conclusions – some of which I still am unconvinced of.

Like they say, ‘every cloud has its silver lining’ so every pain has its gain. I have not only lost necessary weight in the last couple of days/weeks, but have also gained a newfound respect (surprisingly) for this aspect of qualitative research, so much so that I recently bought myself an MP3 recorder into which to speak my thoughts as they fleet into my brain. Yes, I have certainly begun to talk to myself much more nowadays, and occasionally I do also record my friends’ conversations – with and without their knowledge. You never know when it will come in useful … On a more serious note, this MEd program has indeed opened doors into "..." which I am currently exploring with "..". If they really think I have gained much from MEd, who am I to argue otherwise? We’ll see …

Would I do this again? I guess I will miss the pain too much and have experienced much gain, that I am now considering a PhD in ".." – the topic of which is still in its gestational stage. In the meantime, I really should get down to completing the other thesis for my MCS by June 2009 …

- wrote this as part of my reflection for my final research project for the MEd (some details were left out to retain confidentiality...)

Voices

No ... I have not turned schizophrenic.

But really .. I certainly do behave in a schizoid manner - what with all the different voices calling out to me, within me - the voice of reason, the voice of experience ...

And yet amidst the noise, I do need to discern the voice of faith, the voice of truth ... pounding at the door of my heart and spirit with an urgency mixed with profound patience, with a passion wrapped in gracious gentleness.

Which voice will I listen to?

"I am the good shepherd, and my sheep hear my voice."

Unplugged.

Emotions

It's been almost a month since I last wrote. Things seem to be gradually falling in place, and there is some clarity and light at the end of the tunnel.

Yet I am a mixed bag of emotions - the excitement is interspersed with apprehension, and the anticipation is waylaid sometimes by occasional doubt.

Leaving my current comfort zone means leaving behind that which I have grown accustomed to for the last 3 years. The freedom I have now will give way to yet another aspect of freedom - giving up some rights in order to attain other rights - all these bring a sense of discomfort and tension, but yet there is a deep sense of the necessary.

A different phase of preparation. A different plane of experience.

Different yet the same. That sense of trust and abandon to the will of the Father must remain.

A different path perhaps. But the same companion.